Small Steps

I'm reading weight loss blogs and feeling inspired to lose weight. I started with "Morgan Gets Thin" and now I have both that and "PastaQueen" on the go. I'm really relating to what Pasta Queen is saying in the early posts on her blog -- about how she thinks of herself as normal sized and gets shocked when she sees pictures of herself, and that it's this distorted self-perception that allowed her to gain weight without noticing it.

I feel like the same thing has been happening to me for the last several years. I feel the same as I always have, though I'm heavier now than I ever have been before. I don't notice when I gain 10 lbs because my clothes are all fairly baggy, or they get tight and I get the next size without thinking about it.

This is me, right after Christmas '08:



I probably weigh 10 lbs more now than when that photo was taken. Maybe more. Lately when I look in the mirror (although it's unusual for me to see myself in a mirror that goes below my shoulders), I notice new things about myself, like how I don't look thin from any angle anymore, and how when I strike a model pose I can see a little bit of cellulite on my arms. When did that happen?

I wish I could just "snap out of it" and dramatically become a thin, successful, socially-adept, mentally healthy person. I think I'm starting to get that it's not going to happen like that. It's small changes, a little at a time, or it's a no-go.

Here's a quote I found on sparkpeople.com. I'm trying to find more "small step at a time" kind of quotes, but this is the only one I have so far:

"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese Proverb

Frustrated.

Frustration is a major part of my life...I think it has been for a long time. Maybe always. I'm frustrated that I didn't take care of myself, that no one else took care of me the way I needed, and that I got to the point where I am now, not able to work or really do anything until I get treatment. I'm frustrated that it's taking so long to complete the tests to get diagnosed with ADHD, because that's one thing that, 97% of the time, I'm sure that I have. I'm frustrated because having ADHD is HUGE and yet, I know that's not all that's going on inside my head.

Almost every day, I spend time doing research on the Internet, and find something new that describes me. It's really screwing with my identity, this constant labeling and re-labeling. Do I have hypoglycemia? Am I a compulsive overeater? Do I have ADHD? Or maybe it's bipolar disorder? One thing I was sure I had was depression, but my doctor at the hospital didn't even agree with that -- my final diagnosis was dysthymia and social phobia, not depression.

All these illnesses have so much overlap that labeling yourself as anything seems arbitrary and pointless. And yet, I am really craving that label. When I get it, I feel like I can stop blaming myself, that I can learn everything I can about my illness (and by extension, me) and really start recovering. Until then, I feel like everything's up in the air. I'm out of the hospital but I'm still on standby.

I always want to write updates on here, but I'm never sure what to say. It all seems pretty negative right now. I'm still fighting with anxiety, depression, etc. I may have hypoglycemia -- I'm waiting for a formal test to come back. I'm also getting a comprehensive test done to see if I have ADHD. I feel like I am becoming a hypochondriac as a result of having all these different tests done.

I'm trying to do healthy lifestyle stuff like eating well, going for a walk every day, and doing fun stuff with Nick. I had a great, calm week last week, but it's kind of gone to shit this weekend. Maybe it's the lack of structure that's making me feel so listless yet agitated. I can't seem to sit down and concentrate on anything.

I think I have ADD...

...But I'm scared to admit that I think so, scared to be assertive with my doctors about investigating the possibility. I don't want to be a hypochondriac, and I've already been diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I don't want to make all my problems into medical issues -- maybe I really DO just need to stop being lazy.

Around Christmas my brother called and I mentioned my suspicions to him. "ADD? WHAAAAT? You can sit and read a book for fucking HOURS" was his approximate response. My mom had the same response without the swearing. And it's true, I can sit down and read a good book straight through, no matter how many hours it takes. I tried to explain that while people with ADD can be extremely distractible, they can also hyperfocus -- concentrate intensely on something to the exclusion of all else. They weren't buying it.

Mom and my brother also pointed out I'm the complete opposite of hyper and always have been. I pointed out that ADD doesn't always have a hyperactive component, especially in women. They were suspicious of that also.

I guess it doesn't really make sense that someone with ADD can be either distracted or hyperfocused, hyper or lethargic. I guess that includes everyone. But then again, it doesn't make sense to me that I can read a book for 10 hours straight but when I'm reading an article for school I can't get to the end of a sentence without forgetting the beginning of it. If I'm interested in something, if I'm loving it, then I'm in the zone -- otherwise I can concentrate for 15 minutes, max. It's even worse if I'm listening, like in class -- it's so hard for me to concentrate on understanding the meaning of what is being said. A lot of the time, they're just words that don't seem to connect.

I also don't understand why I sabotage all my attempts to organize my life and be productive. It's not that I don't want to have a clean house, a well-kept cat, a happy relationship, a job I love -- I just can't seem to keep those goals in mind when I'm making decisions. I can't seem to forego instant gratification. I can't prioritize tasks. I can't seem to make myself DO anything! Sure I'm anxious, sure I'm depressed, but I think the number one negative emotion in my life right now is frustration. I want to achieve my goals, I want to have some consistency in my life, some routine. I just can't seem to maintain anything.

Am I just lazy? All I know is I've been disappointed in myself for as long as I can remember. All my life I've been excited by ideas and activities, but I've never been able to concentrate and maintain interest long enough to develop knowledge or skill in them. Now that I'm not working, and not going to school, I'm bored all the time, and I must have a low tolerance for boredom because it's agonizing. I have no hobbies because I can do anything once, but not twice in a row. I could do some chores but I keep putting them off and trying to get started feels like agony. I don't know where to start so I sort of flit around most of the time. I make a mess faster than I can clean it up. Social situations make me extremely anxious so I don't leave the house most of the time. I have trapped myself into being completely miserable, and I don't think I can get out without help.

I'm afraid that I want to have ADD because then I would pop a pill and all my problems would be solved. Except I know it wouldn't be like that. Maybe I just want an answer, and I'm desperate for it to be ADD or some other disorder because then I don't have to blame myself for the complete fuck-up my life has become.

You better believe I'm loving The Importance of Being Earnest, just like everybody told me I would. Here are my favourite quotes so far:

MISS PRISM: You must put away your diary, Cecily. I really don't see why you should keep a diary at all.
CECILY: I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life. If I didn't write them down I should probably forget all about them.

ALGERNON: Oh! I am not really wicked at all, Cousin Cecily. You mustn't think that I am wicked.
CECILY: If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.
ALGERNON: (looks at her in amazement) Oh! Of course I have been rather reckless.
CECILY: I am glad to hear it.
ALGERNON: In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.
CECILY: I don't think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.
ALGERNON: It is much pleasanter being here with you.
CECILY: I can't understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won't be back till Monday afternoon.
ALGERNON: That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment that I am anxious...to miss?
CECILY: Couldn't you miss it anywhere but in London?
ALGERNON: No: the appointment is in London.


I should be reading it or sleeping or doing any number of things to keep me from being inconvenienced and unprepared and annoyed tomorrow. I'm excited though, 'cause Jon is going to be here in a couple of hours. We can go to Taco Bell, then Sus can make a fuss over him, then he and I can discuss the things that live under my stove.

New cat, new wounds.

I found a fluffy little orange guy (or girl -- haven't checked yet) down on Locke Street and took him (or her) home. I put up FOUND signs, just in case, but a part of me wants to go and tear them down. I think it's love at first sight again.

Falina's Breakup Playlist

Alanis Morissette - Torch
Kimberley Locke - Coulda Been
NIN - Something I Can Never Have
Matthew Good - Born Losers
Dan Seals - Addicted
Natalie Imbruglia - Torn
Keith Urban - You'll Think of Me
Matthew Good - A Single Explosion
Everything But the Girl - Missing
Blue Rodeo - What Is This Love
Matthew Good - Odette
Ani Difranco - Untouchable Face
Matchbox 20 - Back to Good
Barenaked Ladies - Blame It On Me
Matthew Good - 99% of Us Is Failure
Goo Goo Dolls - It's Over
John Mayer - Slow Dancing in a Burning Room
Amanda Marshall - Let It Rain
Foreigner - I Want to Know What Love Is
Matthew Good Band - Symbolistic White Walls
Blind Melon - Mouthful of Cavities
Jewel - You Were Meant For Me
Nickelback - How You Remind Me
Matthew Good - Metal Airplanes
Sister Hazel - Champagne High
Tegan and Sara - My Number
John Mayer - Message in a Bottle (Police cover)
Fuel - Hemmorhage
Counting Crows - Colorblind
Tegan and Sara - Divided
Sister Hazel - Your Winter
Lifehouse - Storm
Alanis Morissette - Not as We
Alanis Morissette - You Learn
Yael Naim - New Soul
Jon Secada - I'm Free