Frustrated.

Frustration is a major part of my life...I think it has been for a long time. Maybe always. I'm frustrated that I didn't take care of myself, that no one else took care of me the way I needed, and that I got to the point where I am now, not able to work or really do anything until I get treatment. I'm frustrated that it's taking so long to complete the tests to get diagnosed with ADHD, because that's one thing that, 97% of the time, I'm sure that I have. I'm frustrated because having ADHD is HUGE and yet, I know that's not all that's going on inside my head.

Almost every day, I spend time doing research on the Internet, and find something new that describes me. It's really screwing with my identity, this constant labeling and re-labeling. Do I have hypoglycemia? Am I a compulsive overeater? Do I have ADHD? Or maybe it's bipolar disorder? One thing I was sure I had was depression, but my doctor at the hospital didn't even agree with that -- my final diagnosis was dysthymia and social phobia, not depression.

All these illnesses have so much overlap that labeling yourself as anything seems arbitrary and pointless. And yet, I am really craving that label. When I get it, I feel like I can stop blaming myself, that I can learn everything I can about my illness (and by extension, me) and really start recovering. Until then, I feel like everything's up in the air. I'm out of the hospital but I'm still on standby.