I think I have ADD...

...But I'm scared to admit that I think so, scared to be assertive with my doctors about investigating the possibility. I don't want to be a hypochondriac, and I've already been diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I don't want to make all my problems into medical issues -- maybe I really DO just need to stop being lazy.

Around Christmas my brother called and I mentioned my suspicions to him. "ADD? WHAAAAT? You can sit and read a book for fucking HOURS" was his approximate response. My mom had the same response without the swearing. And it's true, I can sit down and read a good book straight through, no matter how many hours it takes. I tried to explain that while people with ADD can be extremely distractible, they can also hyperfocus -- concentrate intensely on something to the exclusion of all else. They weren't buying it.

Mom and my brother also pointed out I'm the complete opposite of hyper and always have been. I pointed out that ADD doesn't always have a hyperactive component, especially in women. They were suspicious of that also.

I guess it doesn't really make sense that someone with ADD can be either distracted or hyperfocused, hyper or lethargic. I guess that includes everyone. But then again, it doesn't make sense to me that I can read a book for 10 hours straight but when I'm reading an article for school I can't get to the end of a sentence without forgetting the beginning of it. If I'm interested in something, if I'm loving it, then I'm in the zone -- otherwise I can concentrate for 15 minutes, max. It's even worse if I'm listening, like in class -- it's so hard for me to concentrate on understanding the meaning of what is being said. A lot of the time, they're just words that don't seem to connect.

I also don't understand why I sabotage all my attempts to organize my life and be productive. It's not that I don't want to have a clean house, a well-kept cat, a happy relationship, a job I love -- I just can't seem to keep those goals in mind when I'm making decisions. I can't seem to forego instant gratification. I can't prioritize tasks. I can't seem to make myself DO anything! Sure I'm anxious, sure I'm depressed, but I think the number one negative emotion in my life right now is frustration. I want to achieve my goals, I want to have some consistency in my life, some routine. I just can't seem to maintain anything.

Am I just lazy? All I know is I've been disappointed in myself for as long as I can remember. All my life I've been excited by ideas and activities, but I've never been able to concentrate and maintain interest long enough to develop knowledge or skill in them. Now that I'm not working, and not going to school, I'm bored all the time, and I must have a low tolerance for boredom because it's agonizing. I have no hobbies because I can do anything once, but not twice in a row. I could do some chores but I keep putting them off and trying to get started feels like agony. I don't know where to start so I sort of flit around most of the time. I make a mess faster than I can clean it up. Social situations make me extremely anxious so I don't leave the house most of the time. I have trapped myself into being completely miserable, and I don't think I can get out without help.

I'm afraid that I want to have ADD because then I would pop a pill and all my problems would be solved. Except I know it wouldn't be like that. Maybe I just want an answer, and I'm desperate for it to be ADD or some other disorder because then I don't have to blame myself for the complete fuck-up my life has become.