Small Steps

I'm reading weight loss blogs and feeling inspired to lose weight. I started with "Morgan Gets Thin" and now I have both that and "PastaQueen" on the go. I'm really relating to what Pasta Queen is saying in the early posts on her blog -- about how she thinks of herself as normal sized and gets shocked when she sees pictures of herself, and that it's this distorted self-perception that allowed her to gain weight without noticing it.

I feel like the same thing has been happening to me for the last several years. I feel the same as I always have, though I'm heavier now than I ever have been before. I don't notice when I gain 10 lbs because my clothes are all fairly baggy, or they get tight and I get the next size without thinking about it.

This is me, right after Christmas '08:



I probably weigh 10 lbs more now than when that photo was taken. Maybe more. Lately when I look in the mirror (although it's unusual for me to see myself in a mirror that goes below my shoulders), I notice new things about myself, like how I don't look thin from any angle anymore, and how when I strike a model pose I can see a little bit of cellulite on my arms. When did that happen?

I wish I could just "snap out of it" and dramatically become a thin, successful, socially-adept, mentally healthy person. I think I'm starting to get that it's not going to happen like that. It's small changes, a little at a time, or it's a no-go.

Here's a quote I found on sparkpeople.com. I'm trying to find more "small step at a time" kind of quotes, but this is the only one I have so far:

"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese Proverb

Frustrated.

Frustration is a major part of my life...I think it has been for a long time. Maybe always. I'm frustrated that I didn't take care of myself, that no one else took care of me the way I needed, and that I got to the point where I am now, not able to work or really do anything until I get treatment. I'm frustrated that it's taking so long to complete the tests to get diagnosed with ADHD, because that's one thing that, 97% of the time, I'm sure that I have. I'm frustrated because having ADHD is HUGE and yet, I know that's not all that's going on inside my head.

Almost every day, I spend time doing research on the Internet, and find something new that describes me. It's really screwing with my identity, this constant labeling and re-labeling. Do I have hypoglycemia? Am I a compulsive overeater? Do I have ADHD? Or maybe it's bipolar disorder? One thing I was sure I had was depression, but my doctor at the hospital didn't even agree with that -- my final diagnosis was dysthymia and social phobia, not depression.

All these illnesses have so much overlap that labeling yourself as anything seems arbitrary and pointless. And yet, I am really craving that label. When I get it, I feel like I can stop blaming myself, that I can learn everything I can about my illness (and by extension, me) and really start recovering. Until then, I feel like everything's up in the air. I'm out of the hospital but I'm still on standby.